Desperate to Help Your Friend in Crisis? First Steps To Bringing Comfort

When a friend is depressed, has a major life change or is grieving, it is very tempting to want to rescue them from their sadness, anxiety and pain.

To shake them out of it.
To make them laugh.
To make everything normal.
To help them climb out of their darkness and brush off their fears, regrets, anger and despair.

We want them to feel better and feel alive. We want them to be part of our world which is familiar, comfortable and safe to us.

We want to tell our friend it's all going to be ok.
They will get over it.
They will move on.
This pain won't feel this deep, this stabbing, this visceral forever.


And I'm sure if they could they would want to return to that normality too.

They would desperately want the difficult times to pass quickly so that they could join you in your revelry.

They don't want to feel this angst any more than you can bear to watch it.

5 Blessings of a Skinned Knee, When You're 48 1/2

In    that        oh     so      slow-motion   moment     between   tripping   and      landing,     SLAP    on the flagstones,  
            I think I was…..airborne.

I don't remember it exactly.

I had an image flash by, of a woman in the distance, bringing her palms to either side of her 'o' shaped mouth. 

 I heard the crack of my iPhone screen, in my hand, as it met the sidewalk of a leafy Manhattan street.

 Landing on my hands and knees, I looked up to see a young couple peering down at me with great concern.

Remembering Debra 1964-2014

(You can listen to this post by clicking the arrow above)

A childhood friend died today, in London.

Debra had beautiful chestnut hair that always smelled FLEX-shampoo fresh, a lovely smile and a wicked sense of humor.

She had been fighting breast cancer for 18 years and she was only 49. She leaves behind, her husband and two children, her parents and sisters, their families and many, many friends.

The crowd of us who met up every weekend as teenagers, are scattered across the globe as adults. 

We may not have seen Debra recently or kept in touch, but Debra was part of the fabric of our social life then and her untimely passing, rips a hole in us now.

Finding Calm After an Emotional Storm: The Power of Validation

We've all been in situations when a friend, family member or co-worker feels angry, disappointed  or upset and wants to vent.

Often our instinct is to problem solve or try to diminish their difficulties in the hope of calming the situation. 

We are often surprised that we have not brought them comfort through our suggestions, or by trying to put their issues into a perspective.

The truth is, that listening and validating their feelings rather than trying to solve them, is what is needed, to soothe and bring relief.

Here is an example of the importance of validation. It shows clearly how the lack of it can exacerbate a situation and the power of it can turn your loved one's storm into a calmer sea.

4 Powerful Words That Show You Really Care

Have you been wondering if a friend is ok because he seems out of sorts?

Have you realized you haven't heard from your cousin for weeks or months?

Have you noticed the absence of your neighbor at synagogue or church or exercise class?

Has someone you haven't spoken to in a while, suddenly dropped into your thoughts?

A Typhoon's Deadly Toll: How You Can Go From Feeling Helpless to Helpful In This One Simple Step

Aida, our former housekeeper, was born in the Philippines. Her sisters and brothers are directly affected by the super-typhoon that hit Tacloban.

The deadly storm, Typhoon Haiyan followed hot on the heels of a 7.2 earthquake that hit Bohol on October 15 and has further devastated the towns and villages of Aida's family and friends.

World catastrophes can make us feel very helpless in the face of such enormous devastation and tumult.

On Friendship, Death and Bear Hugs

Due to a sick son and work-away husband, I have spent a lot of time at home over  the last few days and have been able to catch up on 7 episodes of Grey's Anatomy, back to back.

There is something delicious about watching one of your favorite shows, episode after episode, wrapped in a warm blanket, steaming hot tea in hand, skipping the ads and not having to wait a week to know what happens next. It's even better watching with a friend!

I don't just watch it for McDreamy. I'm very fond of many of the characters, having been a lifer since the series began (10 years ago!) and I have to admit I shed a few tears over my 7 episode marathon. 

I was not looking for deep messages whilst I was watching, but there is one theme that resonates over and over, through the seasons.

Moving Home? 10 Ways to Calm Your Fears And Feel Positive.

A friend from abroad is packing up her home and sent me this message on my Facebook page today.......(Including the icons!)

• 
  

  
  
• 
  

  Dear Gilly, 

  Please find calming words for me, as I pack up to move house!!! I spent the afternoon tidying my desk of Stuff. I came across an album of photos from 2000. I hope, I know what we are doing.....

  
  

  As I thought  about how best to reply, I reflected upon what had helped our family as we moved from continent to continent over a five year period. I came up with 10 suggestions to calm and soothe in many situations that require transition including packing up your home......Here's my answer and the list. 
  

Raise Your Happiness Barometer With This One Scientifically Proven Action

When we moved to Washington D C  in August 2001, we rented a house and inherited a party. 

The home owners had hosted this event every September/October on one of the Jewish holidays.

You did not misread that party piece. 

I know it sounds strange, but for years, friends of the owners had been coming to celebrate and they jokingly told us, that even though we were now living in the house, they thought they would come anyway. Many of them had welcomed us when we first arrived and entertained us in the first few weeks of our new American lives. Some we had never met!

Comforting Without Words:The Power of Touch

In 1998 when my father was dying in a hospital in London, we all tiptoed round him, sat close, but not too close and observed him drifting in and out of sleep. 

Benjy, my first-born, who was five years old at the time, came into my father's room to say goodbye. He walked to the end of my father's bed  and in a clear voice asked him very simply, 

Apologizing: Valuing Your Relationship More Than Your Ego

As the Jewish season of repentence reaches a crescendo and apologizing is high on the to-do list, I have been thinking a lot about why apologizing can be so difficult. The  process for giving an apology is well documented by psychologists and Rabbis alike. 

1. Recognize you have upset someone

2. Ask for forgiveness

3. Offer to make reparations

4. Don't do it again.

Relationships we value are precious and require nurturing. However that does not mean they are without controversy, misunderstandings or disagreements. Relationships - professional and personal - need constant work and communication. Even with the best intentions, arguments can ensue and feelings can be hurt. 

Here are some questions I have been grappling with and I wonder if you have too.

When we do argue with people we care about, what is it that can make apologizing so difficult ?

Why do we have a difficult time apologizing without justification or caveat?

and 

What must  we do BEFORE we make the apology?

A story first.....

Words of Wisdom For Our College Bound Children (and Kindergardeners)

My fingers are running over the computer keys, wondering where to begin. 

I can hear Aron our 18 year old and Jacob our 12 year old murmuring together. Their words are not clear, but the filtering sounds are upbeat and conversational as they rise and fall in sync and at times are spotted with laughter. The two boys are inseparable at the moment, playing Minecraft together, strategizing, building, challenging, but mostly enjoying each other's company.

This scenario is particularly heartwarming, because in a few days Aron is going to college and Jacob will be home alone. (No other siblings to divert parental attention anymore.) 

Each of us is dealing with this impending separation differently.....

Sunshine and Rain-How To Live With Both.

Glancing out the window as I write, I notice the sun is glinting on the rain soaked leaves. It has been that kind of day: torrential rain splattered with bursts of humid, misty sunshine.

And it has been that kind of week in our school and synagogue community. 

With celebrations of the highest order and tragedy so deep, we cannot find words to express emotions.

5 Ways to Bring Comfort in Times of Illness or Distress.

  

Aida

We all want to help people in times of illness or distress. Often it is very difficult to know WHAT to do in these situations, even though we would love to bring comfort to people we care about.

Twelve years ago when we came from Hong Kong to live in the USA, we were very lucky that Aida our Filipino housekeeper came with us.

How To Keep Relationships Real in a Virtual World

Last week I spoke about the power and comfort of old friends. This week I want to introduce you to Marin (Miriam), a new friend. 

We first met 2 years ago. I remembered her clearly, but she couldn't place me when I came across her again on my most recent vacation.  Her graciousness and warmth reminded me why my previous experience meeting her had been so positive.....

Jennifer Aniston's Guide to Friendship: Keep It Old

You will not be surprised to discover, if you are a regular reader of my blog or know my family, that whilst we were on vacation, someone was unwell. 

This time it was Jacob's turn      (our 12yr old). A week into the trip he developed a raging fever, that lasted five days. After blood tests, he was diagnosed with bacterial pneumonia and put swiftly on antibiotics.

As I stood in the pharmacy on that sunny Sunday afternoon, with my friend Ofra by my side straining to understand  the pharmacist's directions in Hebrew, I suddenly felt tears well in my eyes. 

Her Majesty's School of Stress Management.

On my window sill in the kitchen stands The Queen. Grey haired, tiara in place, with a fixed smile day and night. You might be surprised that I display something that kitsch there and amused to know that she waves. 
          All day! 
Yes, my Queen is solar powered. On her handbag (purse) is a solar strip, that keeps her going longer than the Ever Ready Bunny. 
And why is she there in perpetuity?

Rings of Comfort- Tokens For Remembering What's Important.

A few weeks before winter break I received an email from Cameron, my guest blogger this week. He had found my blog and identified with many of the posts, because he has been a caregiver for  his wife Heather  since 2005. Heather was diagnosed with Mesothelioma* cancer at the age of 36, after having  given birth to their only child just three months earlier. She was given tough treatment choices and after surgery and chemotherapy, went on to beat all the odds. 

Heather's story is remarkable, as is her zest for living and her determination to love the life she has. 

But so is Cameron's..... 

An Ocean View

As a follow up to my latest post "Four Girls and a Bar of Chocolate." a friend sent me this. It has made me chuckle all day. I hope it will do the same for you. Thanks Debbie F!

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
They agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy
Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

Four Girls and a Bar of Chocolate

** This post is dedicated to  strong, resilient, brave friends  all over the world  who are living  with serious illness:  patients  and  caregivers. **

Here we sit, four of us in Edgar’s in Manhattan on a Saturday night. We’ve all gathered for the weekend for M’s son’s Bar Mitzvah and it is obviously time to eat again. Four of us in our forties, each dealing with medical issues of our own, or our family’s, are at crossroads in our lives.

There is much to discuss.