Leaning into Love: A Spiritual Journey Through Grief

When I finished the very last words of the final acknowledgement, I closed the book, Leaning Into Love by Elaine Mansfield, hugged it to my chest and wept.

Elaine has written a manual for living when your spouse is dying. She has written a story so poetic and yet truth itself. 

Her writing is so honest and raw that you will cry with her, for her and for yourself and the losses you have been dealt and the resilience you have found.

You'll Be Surprised That This Is The Gift That Doesn't Get Old, Even When We Do.

The National Mall, Washington DC

As we head into the holiday season, which customs and traditions are you most looking forward to? 

Do you repeat those you enjoyed as a child?

Have you created new ones with your family?

It's hard to tell which ones stick with us through the years and why.

Along with the many benefits of bringing loved ones together, I have discovered that these traditions, often planted in childhood, can bring great and perhaps unexpected comfort and joy as we age and our short-term memories dissolve. 

Let me tell you about Cecilia....... 

A Poignant, Powerful Gift with No Power Chord: What We Can Learn About Gift Giving & Bringing Comfort From a College Bound Teen

At the risk of stereotyping: one of the great things about teenage boys, (well my teenage boys) is that as long as they have some form of technology in their hands, they do not want very much else.

Last August when it came time to kit Aron out for his college room, he didn't seem to want or need anything.

Hangers? -I can take them from my wardrobe.

New blanket? - I'll take the one from my bed.

Garbage can? -I'll take the one from my room...and so it went on.

Aron, unlike many of his (female) friends did not want to buy up the brochure display of college rooms or have everything matching. 

I, on the other hand, wanted to buy him ONE new thing for his college room or at the very least, encourage him to use some of the generous gift cards he had received as graduation gifts. 

On Parenting: How to Bring More Balance to Your Life and Comfort to Your Soul.

Do you remember when babies were your life?  When each day was a whirlwind of food stops and diaper changes and the need for more sleep.

What kept you going? 

What provided a counterbalance to your exhaustion and brought you joy?

Your baby's smile that crinkled her eyes when she spotted you?

 The sound of gurgling chatter from his crib? 

A blissful uninterrupted nap or shower....for you?


We all rush around depleting our emotional and physical energy reserves, responding to work deadlines, children's karate classes and our parents' failing health.

And when the opportunity comes to refuel, to take a long walk, a weekend away, a meal for two, or to join a celebration out of town, it sometimes seems easier to turn the chance down. 

We're too tired, We don't feel 100%. It will take so much planning to leave the kids for two days….and on we go. 

Sound familiar?

Ignoring the Homeless. What would you have done?

What would you have done?

(If you would prefer to listen to me reading this post, click the arrow below)

As we opened the back gate of our garden towards a wooded area behind our house, we noticed a white tarp bunched on the worn ground.  

My husband and I had been taking a little walk around the inside perimeter of our fence, checking its condition and notching up what might need repairing.  

Having spotted this discarded tarp and having just read a great psychological, detective story called In The Woods by Tana French,(See Amazon link at the side of this page)  our minds were racing. 

We speculated aloud about what could be underneath….. 

The Surprising Secret to Joyful Living.

On my Facebook page, I asked my FB friends this question,

 "If you could repeat one simple pleasure or go to your favorite  spot, what would it be?" 

The answers, and I got many (thank you!) included,

beach walking during the day or at dusk,  picnics, sunny spots, sunsets, diving, honeymoon vacations, star gazing, a soccer stadium.

Cities with special memories, childhood homes and rose gardens.

Snow capped mountains and busy markets,

Pina coladas, iced coffee, tomato soup and warm bread, belgian chocolate and peanut butter ice-cream.

To be fair, I wasn't quite honest with my question. 

What I really wanted to ask was.........

When You've Been Let Down AGAIN by Someone You Depended On: 5 Ways to Cope.

America has expended a lot of energy, trying to change Putin. Sanctions, threats and many meetings and discussions have not made any difference.

Typically people don't change just because we want them to. 

I'm no political theorist and I don't have a solution to the Russian conundrum, but I do understand something about relationships. 

Whatever kind of relationships we are talking about, one thing I know for sure: we can't change other people. Only they can change themselves. 

So where does this leave us?

This One Question Will Change The Way You See Yourself Forever

This morning we woke up to an over-night snow dusting. Temporarily it has softened the landscape and beautified winter's harshness. It reminds me of the magic of foundation over face wrinkles and a golden tan over cellulite. It covers flaws and surfaces, only to reveal them again as it melts away. 

But beneath this frozen ground, important work is going on to prepare for the beauty of spring. Bulbs are rejuvenating themselves, woodchucks and chipmunks are sleeping deep in their burrows, the soil and seeds are taking a hard earned rest. These are the enduring, lasting, magical components hidden from sight, but important for long lasting health and growth of the lives that depend on them. 

This metaphor reminded me of a Dove commercial about beauty and how to redefine it. It also gave me an idea for a simple exercise any of us can do to remind us of what is truly unique and more than skin-deep beautiful about each one of us.

Parenting When Your Child is Sick: Finding Strength You Did Not Know You Had Until You Were Put To The Test.

It can be tough being a parent, even when things are going well.

Juggling your children's meals, activities, learning, moods, hormones, social lives and school schedules along with your own, can be challenging at the best of times.

So when something goes wrong for your child, that may affect them for a lifetime, only then do you realize where your strength lies and how it re enforces what it means to rise to the tough task of parenting.

Living in Hong Kong in 1999, at the age of 3, our middle son Aron was diagnosed with a rare developmental ( acquired) cataract in his right eye. 

This meant he could barely see the big A on the screening board.

Healing After a Serious Injury. You Might Just Want To Get a Dog!

This week please meet my guest blogger and friend, writer and researcher, Robin Gould. 

Robin describes how a four-legged friend has brought more comfort to her son than she could ever have imagined and a bonus she never predicted.

Let us know how a pet has been therapy for your family and leave us a message below.

Have a great week
Gillyx
***********************************
As I head outside, leash in hand, dog in tow, for our ritual morning walk, I notice frost on the grass, the first frost of the year.


It’s 28 degrees outside and I wish I were back in my warm bed. 
It’s mornings like this one that I ask myself,

 “Why did I ever cave into my almost 10-year-old son to get a dog?”

What a 12 Year Old Knows About Driving in The Rain

A number of the male species in my family are organizationally challenged. They have been known to forget to put their laundry in the dirty wash pile, clear the plates from the table or  have difficulty remembering to take their forms/phones/school ID/homework with them to school.

You get the idea.

I got a panicked message today from Jacob, my 12 year old who had left his English book by his bed, at home. 

Raise Your Happiness Barometer With This One Scientifically Proven Action

When we moved to Washington D C  in August 2001, we rented a house and inherited a party. 

The home owners had hosted this event every September/October on one of the Jewish holidays.

You did not misread that party piece. 

I know it sounds strange, but for years, friends of the owners had been coming to celebrate and they jokingly told us, that even though we were now living in the house, they thought they would come anyway. Many of them had welcomed us when we first arrived and entertained us in the first few weeks of our new American lives. Some we had never met!

Comforting Without Words:The Power of Touch

In 1998 when my father was dying in a hospital in London, we all tiptoed round him, sat close, but not too close and observed him drifting in and out of sleep. 

Benjy, my first-born, who was five years old at the time, came into my father's room to say goodbye. He walked to the end of my father's bed  and in a clear voice asked him very simply, 

Apologizing: Valuing Your Relationship More Than Your Ego

As the Jewish season of repentence reaches a crescendo and apologizing is high on the to-do list, I have been thinking a lot about why apologizing can be so difficult. The  process for giving an apology is well documented by psychologists and Rabbis alike. 

1. Recognize you have upset someone

2. Ask for forgiveness

3. Offer to make reparations

4. Don't do it again.

Relationships we value are precious and require nurturing. However that does not mean they are without controversy, misunderstandings or disagreements. Relationships - professional and personal - need constant work and communication. Even with the best intentions, arguments can ensue and feelings can be hurt. 

Here are some questions I have been grappling with and I wonder if you have too.

When we do argue with people we care about, what is it that can make apologizing so difficult ?

Why do we have a difficult time apologizing without justification or caveat?

and 

What must  we do BEFORE we make the apology?

A story first.....

Words of Wisdom For Our College Bound Children (and Kindergardeners)

My fingers are running over the computer keys, wondering where to begin. 

I can hear Aron our 18 year old and Jacob our 12 year old murmuring together. Their words are not clear, but the filtering sounds are upbeat and conversational as they rise and fall in sync and at times are spotted with laughter. The two boys are inseparable at the moment, playing Minecraft together, strategizing, building, challenging, but mostly enjoying each other's company.

This scenario is particularly heartwarming, because in a few days Aron is going to college and Jacob will be home alone. (No other siblings to divert parental attention anymore.) 

Each of us is dealing with this impending separation differently.....

Our Family's Journey With Trigeminal Neuralgia - What YOU Need to Know.

Thank you Rebecca Thorpe.

Trigeminal neuralgia is a chronic illness my husband (J) was diagnosed with 6 years ago. 

Here are 3 Things I want you to know:- 

1. Trigeminal Neuralgia  is a brutal, relentless, unpredictable disease with no permanent cure.

What is trigeminal neuralgia (TN)?

Source: Trigeminal Neuralgia Association UK  

      TN is an excruciatingly painful and debilitating condition, known as "the suicide disease."

     
 It is regarded as the most painful condition that is known in the medical world. It is more painful than kidney stones, giving birth or a heart attack.

     
 It is a disorder of the trigeminal nerve in the face which results in its overreaction to everyday stimuli, such as talking, eating and light touch.

      
TN triggers a violent, electric shock-like pain which can last for a few seconds to a few minutes and repeat in episodes lasting weeks and months.

     
 The pain can also be described as stabbing, shooting, burning, excruciating, and unlike any other pain previously experienced.

     
 Normal painkillers, even morphine, have no effect and initial treatment with anti-convulsant drugs can have very unpleasant side-effects.

      
When these medications cease to be effective, or the side-effects become intolerable, various types of surgical procedures are carried out but to date there is no known cure.

     
 Although uncommon, children and babies can also have TN.

2. My husband is still living with a form of this disease. 

He had brain surgery 3 years ago to put an end to  his TN which was no longer responding to strong drugs of any kind.  I wrote in my updates at that time, that the surgery had successfully taken away the brutal stabbing, electrical pain that he was experiencing in his face 24/7 without a break before the surgery. Thank goodness that still holds true and we are extremely grateful for that outcome.

However TN is a dark enemy....

The Secret to Anger Management

.....without using it's turn signal

Have you ever tried to look on the bright side of a challenging situation, only to have it backfire, with you feeling more angry, resentful or frustrated?

Have you ever held anger inside you, only to channel it at some poor innocent bystander or your kids or your mom or your spouse?

Has there ever been a time when anger languished in your mind, festered and grew whilst you tried to see the positive in a difficult situation, only to find it come back to the surface when you met that situation or person again?

The first of these three scenarios happened to me just last week.

How Amazon.com is Bringing Me Comfort!

Amazon.com is having a party!      
Why? 
Because they know I am SO behind in packing my 12 year old for 4 weeks of sleep away camp that they are going to get lots of business from me in the next 36 hours! 

Why Routine Brings Comfort

We had a particularly challenging week, a few years ago when my husband's parents were staying with us. 

My mother-in-law knocked on our door at 3.00 am because a pipe that had burst from the basement toilet, emitted tens of gallons of water directly into the basement bedroom where my parents-in-law were sleeping. My father-in-law in trying to wade into the bathroom and turn off the water, slipped and hurt his arm and the basement was floating in debris. 

When There's Trouble Brewing... Do This.

As a Brit, a cup of tea, evokes many things: my childhood, my Dad and maternal grandmother, celebration, commiseration and friendship. But mostly it is connected with the emotions associated  with love, care and comfort.



As a child my father made and brought my mother a cup of tea to her bedside every morning. Tea was the mainstay of family food gatherings and I can picture my mother's teapots and delicious date and walnut or almond cake that always went with them in our light filled living room.

Growing up, I relished the tea my Grandmother made for me.  For a long time, I could not work out why it always tasted so special...