Who Benefits From Finding Silver Linings? You'll Be Very Surprised.

I am not a violent person.

In fact standing on tiptoes at 5'0, 
I avoid conflict if possible, speak quietly and generally try to look positively at the world. 

However.......

............... I have got to a point, where if someone gives me one more "silver lining" response to a tough moment, I may have to take them out with a punch! 

It would probably be a disaster - not because the perpetrator would be seriously injured, but because I would either miss my target or hurt my hand more than their body. 

Being offered silver linings during a challenging time is like giving someone with a food allergy, the one food they cannot have.

You know the kind of comment..........

You: I have just broken my foot.
Them: Well at least you'd put in for a vacation any way.

You: My parent just died suddenly. 
Them: Well thank goodness he/she didn't suffer.

You: My child's just been diagnosed with a painful, chronic illness Them: Well at least it's not life threatening.

You: My spouse just lost his job.    
Them: Well at least you've got your health.

 I have been thinking a lot about finding silver linings. I wrote about the silver linings when a giant fir tree fell in our back yard. I have certainly seen that all the illnesses we have dealt with, have been lined with lemonade moments, but I didn't necessarily see those positive outcomes straight away.

A chaplain friend of mine explained to me that she learned during her pastoral care training, that making lemonade out of lemons is   never a strategy to be used as a comfort. Silver linings are not something to be offered as a balm to the wound.

Why? 

Because the silver lining comment benefits only the person giving it. Not the recipient whom it is meant to comfort.

This makes so much sense. The person giving the silver lining is comforting themselves, but it is of no use to the one suffering.

Particularly at the beginning of a trauma, illness or crisis, taking in the new information about a life altering situation, is a process. 

Our brains need to rejig in order to assimilate the new information that often comes at alarming speed. Offering silver linings at this time is extremely unhelpful. 

This is a process that takes a unique amount of time for each person. It is the distance someone has to travel emotionally and mentally from what was, to their new normal. Somehow our brains manage to do this and what was overwhelming at first, becomes manageable.

Manageable.Yes. Easy. No.

Five years since my son Benjy was diagnosed with a heart condition that can cause sudden death, I understand now how lucky we were to discover it. 

I am incredibly grateful that  the anesthesiologist who was about to put Benjy  to sleep for a colonoscopy, alerted me to his irregular EKG. 

I know how incredibly fortunate we were that Dr Berul, one of the best pediatric electrophysiologists, in the country, had just taken a job at The Children's Hospital in DC. 

I get that the second surgery on Benjy's heart was surgical skill at its finest and Dr Berul 100% cured him without any damage and we no longer worry about his heart health.

Yes. 

Now I can look back and see all the silver linings. But seeing them has been on my time frame, with my frame of reference and my choice to look at the situation that way. 

Silver linings can be particularly challenging to see, when you are living with a stressful, relentless situation, lack of sleep and unpredictability, such as 

- a parent or spouse with Alzheimer's

- a cancer diagnosis or resurgence

- grief for a spouse or child

- a marriage breakdown

- a child with significant long term medical, social or educational needs.

for example.

This week I found 2 quotes that I felt were comforting and supportive for those particularly difficult situations and tough days. 

Days when you can't see or hear or tell yourself about the silver linings, but need something to help you put one foot in front of the other.

So if you want to bring comfort to someone who is in a tough spot, please don't offer them a silver lining. 

Instead listen carefully, validate honestly and give them a hug. 

Your actions might be the one silver lining in their day. (Just don't tell them that!) 

Let me know what helps you most when you are going through difficult times. What's the worst thing anyone has said to you at one of those moments? Please leave me a comment and share the post if it resonated with you..

Many thanks

Gillyx 

Please email me at gilly@bringingbooksofcomfort.org or leave a comment on this post below. I'd love to have your feedback. 

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